yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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