Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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