u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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