Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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