I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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