Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
