Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
We left an ass print on the piano.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
