i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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