one might say we're banned from that church
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
