it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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