I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
