I'm drive I can fine osifer
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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