When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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