Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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