My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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