Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
