You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
