i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
