Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i just sent this text using only my big toe
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
