I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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