Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
