If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
