I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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