He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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