There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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