God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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