Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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