I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
