Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
