question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
