I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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