I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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