you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
