Moan for me like Helen Keller
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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