dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
