dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Randomize
