but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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