I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
