I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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