The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Randomize
