Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
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