It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
