If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
