Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
