she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
