It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
