I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
