I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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