so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
