just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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