All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
