I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
