david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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